00:00 Stephen Colbert WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW. 00:01 I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 00:03 IT IS FRIDAY. 00:06 HAPPY WEEKEND, EVERYBODY. 00:09 THANK YOU. 00:10 SOMETIMES PEOPLE NEED REMINDING THAT IT'S FRIDAY. 00:13 RIGHT. 00:13 THEY GO, IS THIS THURSDAY OR IS THIS FRIDAY? 00:15 YOU GO, IT'S FRIDAY, AND SUDDENLY THEY'RE VERY EXCITED. 00:17 IT'S FRIDAY, EVERYBODY. 00:18 THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE. 00:21 THAT'S OBVIOUS. 00:22 THAT'S OBVIOUS. 00:23 YOU'RE WELCOME, BY THE WAY. 00:24 AND, OF COURSE, THIS BEING FRIDAY, TOMORROW BRINGS US TO THE END OF DONALD TRUMP'S FIRST 100 DAYS IN OFFICE. 00:31 AFTER THIS, NO, AFTER THIS, WE CANNOT BRING HIM BACK TO THE STORE WITHOUT A RECEIPT. 00:36 SLIGHTLY DAMAGED GOODS. 00:39 THANK YOU. 00:40 NOW, MAYBE THE PRESIDENT HASN'T GOTTEN A LOT DONE IN HIS FIRST 100 DAYS. 00:43 BUT YOU KNOW WHO HAS? 00:45 AMERICA. 00:47 ALL RIGHT? 00:48 CONGRATULATIONS. 00:50 YOU DID IT, ALL RIGHT? 00:52 FIRST OF ALL, WE SURVIVED A TRUMP PRESIDENCY FOR 100 DAYS, ALL RIGHT? 01:00 I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU. 01:00 WE MADE IT. 01:01 I DID NOT HAVE THAT IN THE OFFICE POOL. 01:04 WE REALLY SURPRISED ME IN A LOT OF WAYS. 01:06 I DON'T THINK, AMERICA'S NEVER BEEN BETTER, IN MY OPINION, OKAY? 01:09 LA LA LAND AND MOONLIGHT WON BEST PICTURE. 01:12 THAT'S TWICE THE BEST PICTURE IN ONE YEAR. 01:15 BILL O'REILLY GOT FIRED AND NOW HAS TO... 01:20 HE'S GONE. 01:22 HE'S OUT THERE IN THE WORLD. 01:23 HE'S HAVING TO SEXUALLY HARASS PEOPLE FREELANCE. 01:26 IT'S NOT EASY. 01:28 AND IT'S NOT JUST FAMOUS PEOPLE. 01:29 IN TRUMP'S FIRST 100 DAYS, EVERY AMERICAN HAS DONE AMAZING THINGS. 01:34 THERE'S SO MANY MARCHES NOW, OKAY? 01:36 EVERYBODY, ANYBODY MARCHED IN THE LAST NUMBER OF DAYS? 01:40 YEAH. 01:41 EVERYBODY'S OUT THERE. 01:42 WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO REBRAND THE ST. PATRICK'S DAY PARADE AS THE MARCH AGAINST SOBRIETY. 01:47 THE POINT IS, HASHTAG, WHERE ARE MY PANTS? 01:50 THE POINT IS, A LOT HAS BEEN DONE IN THE FIRST 100 DAYS OF TRUMP'S PRESIDENCY, JUST NONE OF IT BY HIM. 01:56 ONE THING WE'VE ALL BEEN GETTING USED TO IN THESE FIRST 100 DAYS IS THE SHEER NUMBER OF ANONYMOUS QUOTES COMING OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE. 02:04 NO ONE WANTS TO PRINT THEIR NAME. 02:05 AND IF YOUR NAME WAS REINCE PRIBUS, YOU'D PROBABLY FEEL THE SAME WAY. 02:10 HERE'S A LEAK. 02:10 WHEN WAS THIS? 02:11 THIS WEEK? 02:12 JUST THIS WEEK? 02:13 A LEAK JUST THIS WEEK. 02:14 IN A ROUND-UP OF TRUMP'S FIRST 100 DAYS, AN ANONYMOUS WHITE HOUSE OFFICIAL TOLD POLITICO, I KIND OF POOPOOED THE EXPERIENCE STUFF WHEN I FIRST GOT HERE, BUT THIS IS HARD. 02:27 TO BE CLEAR, IN THAT QUOTE, THIS REFERS TO AMERICA. 02:34 AS IN, MAKE THIS S*** GREAT AGAIN. 02:38 BUT SO INSPIRING. 02:40 SO INSPIRING. 02:41 I'D BUY THAT HAT. 02:44 I'D BUY THAT HAT. 02:46 BUT TRUMP HAS MANAGED TO GET ALMOST ONE THING DONE ON IMMIGRATION, BECAUSE THIS WEEK, THE WHITE HOUSE LAUNCHED THE VOICE OFFICE TO REPORT UNDOCUMENTED IMMIGRANT CRIMES. 02:58 YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE AN IMMIGRANT CRIME LINE. 03:01 I MEAN, LIKE IT SAYS ON THE STATUE OF LIBERTY, GIVE ME YOUR TIRED, YOUR POOR, NOT THAT ONE, HE'S GOT A KNIFE! 03:07 BUT THE THING IS, ICE ALREADY HAD A HOTLINE THAT DOES THIS. 03:13 IN FACT, OFFICIALS ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THEY'RE ESSENTIALLY REBRANDING AND REVAMPING SERVICES. 03:18 SO ALL TRUMP DID WAS TAKE SOMETHING THAT ALREADY EXISTED, REBRAND IT, AND MAKE IT SEEM A LITTLE MORE RACIST. 03:26 SAME THING HE'S DONE WITH THE REPUBLICAN PARTY. 03:29 NOW, THIS DOES NOT FOOL ANYBODY. 03:37 IT'S LIKE TIME WARNER BECOMING SPECTRUM. 03:41 NOW I'M JUST SPENDING ALL DAY WAITING FOR A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT COLORED VAN. 03:47 BUT EVEN THIS SORT OF ACCOMPLISHMENT IS OFF TO A ROUGH START BECAUSE AS SOON AS THE HOTLINE LAUNCHED, PEOPLE STARTED TROLLING IT, AND IT WAS BOMBARDED BY REPORTS OF SPACE ALIENS. 03:58 YEAH, YEAH. 04:01 I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S WHAT THEY WAS TALKING ABOUT. 04:03 AND HALF OF THOSE WERE FROM REINCE PRIBUS CALLING TO REPORT STEVE BANNON. 04:08 He kind of looks like Vincent D'Onofrio from Men in Black, you know? 04:13 In the ill-fitting man suit. 04:15 Now, listen. 04:17 Now, Mr. President, I really think we've got to ban these Muslims. 04:19 Do you have any sugar water by any chance? 04:27 I don't know. 04:28 And that's my D'Onofrio, everybody. 04:30 So... 04:37 I'm in Minnesota. 04:39 SO FACED WITH THE INJUSTICE OF AMERICANS BEING ASKED TO REPORT ON THEIR NEIGHBORS, CLEARLY IT WAS UP TO REAL PATRIOTS OF AMERICA PRANK CALLERS. 04:49 IT REMINDS ME OF THE FAMOUS QUOTE, FIRST THEY CAME FOR THE MUSLIMS AND I SAID NOTHING, THEN THEY CAME FOR THE MEXICANS AND I SAID HOWARD STEARNS' PENIS, BABABOOY, BABABOOY. 04:59 SO THANK YOU, HOWARD STEARNS' PENIS. 05:02 THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.